Boat Jokes...

Lmao :d

Somewhat cruel joke I recently overheard:

There is a new junior seaman on a big military vessel. So, he is standing his first watch when a man falls overboard. He is naturally a little distracted and not very fast with reaction.
And elder sailor delivers him a hefty piece of "training" conk: "What the devil you think you're doing? It's the ship's medic, if he drowns who's gonna heal us? Move it!!!!"

On his next watch, our junior seaman again sees a man falling overboard. He's still not very used to the drill and freezes still, perplexed. An elder sailor delivers him another piece of "training" conk: "What the devil you think you're doing? It's the ship's cook, who's gonna feed us????"

On his third watch, junior seaman stays alert. So, when, as is the luck of his watches, yet another man manages to fall overboard, he moves swift and helps him almost instantly.

An elder sailor conks himself on the head: "What the devil he thinks he's doing? It's the ship's bosun..."

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Dr. Walmart

One day, in line at the tug boat company's cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

"Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."






That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

"Thank you for shopping @ Walmart"

I came across this one going through some old files today:

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

I had to take a big, hairy engineer out for dinner the other night. He was over for a survey.

We went to an Italian restaurant and the waiter gave us these large, quilted menus.

Not wishing to look ignorant he looked up and down the menu looking for something he recognised, he turned to the waiter and nodded.

"I'll have the 'paggeoni' please" in his best Italian accent.

The waiter looks over his shoulder and says

" Signore, that says Page One"

How many of us can relate!

A bit of fun from a Yank in the UK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuq8ZU2Uf_0

The Ambidextrous Golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One
got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.


The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.


Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

That was like watching golf on TV...or paint dry.

Commercial (not during Superbowl)

One you won't see during the Super Bowl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzkE5VgTEYM

We all know Carl likes his Apps on the i-phone, here's how to kill "Carl"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGTUwKui7fw&feature=related

An English ventriloquist is visiting Wales. He walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his veranda & patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Taff.



'Good day, do you mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English *******.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief).



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'.

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded).

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager).

Horse: 'Yep'.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly.
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'


Taff: (total look of amazement).



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'That sheep ...... is a bloody liar'

Sort of nautical, sort of

Three ministers have been at an ecumenical convention in Fort Lauderdale. They won a day on a boat with their wives. A very nasty squall comes out of nowhere and sinks the boat. When the three couples get to the pearly gates the Baptist minister says

"c'mon honey we may as well go first and ask St Pete to give us directions to our eternal mansion."

St Pete says "not so fast, you are going down, sorry."
The preacher can't believe it and asks why.

"Well you like booze too much, so much you married a woman named Brandy. Take the stairs to the right."

The Methodist minister says to his wife, "Let's go, you know I had a feeling about those two."

St Pete says "Sorry but you are going down too. You like food way too much, so much you married a woman named candy. Stairs to the right please."

The Presbyterian minister said to his wife "We don't have a chance Fanny."

The captain and the engineer

An Irishman applies for the post of chief engineer on a yacht. At the interview the captain asks what qualifications the man has. ‘Ah well, twas never very good at exams, but I can strip and rebuild any marine engine you give me and have her purring like a kitten.’ The captain is impressed but knows that insurance companies like qualifications, so he decides to do his own test.

Taking a plain piece of paper, he draws three trees and asks the engineer what he thinks of them. ‘Ah, to be sure, dat equals nine’. ‘What do you mean, that equals nine?’ ‘Twell, tis simple - tree, tree and tree is nine.’ The captain is somewhat stunned but continues with the test drawing a dog cocking its leg against each tree. ‘Now’ says the captain 'what do you make of that?’ ‘Oh to be sure, dat equals ninety nine’. The captain is completely baffled. ‘How can you get ninety nine from that picture?’ ‘Well, dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree is ninety nine’.

Completely exasperated, the captain decides to give it one last try and draws a poo at the foot of each tree. ‘Now, what do you make of that then?’ he asks. ‘Ah to be sure, dat equals one hundred’ says the engineer. Desperately in need of a large whiskey, the captain asks how on earth the engineer can equate his drawing with the figure of one hundred? ‘Well to be sure, tis obvious’ says the engineer. ‘Dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and turd, dirty tree and a turd’.

A pop quiz on how the Euro Crisis is going.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5QwKEwo4Bc&feature=relmfu

Funny...if it weren't so true

A while back when I was considerably younger I picked up a date at her parents' home.


I'd scraped together some money and took her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu:
Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, and Champagne .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "They have great desserts here as well."

The Gulf Oil Spill news coverage

Here's another painfully sad yet humorous Clarke and Dawe news report.

This one is regarding the Gulf Oil Spill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClvLp4vXJ5I&NR=1&feature=fvwp

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