Boat Jokes...

I was on a delivery job last week. The boat was brand new from the yard and the stabilizers weren't working.

During the crossing, the weather picked up and the waves were crashing over the Bow. Suddenly there was a CRASH from the accommodation. I ran down below to the Saloon to see that the new vacuum-cleaner had broken free from under the stairs.

The cleaner shot accross the carpet and smashed into the beautiful woodwork. I dived onto the errant machine just as the boat lurched, the force threw us towards the cocktail bar. The suction hose managed to wrap around my neck as a large brass barstool almost hit me.

The electrical cord jammed under the brass footrail as we flew to the otherside of the Saloon. The cord unhitched itself and the springloaded rewinder whisked the cable back in so fast, the plug smacked me in the back of the head.

Then, after this mighty struggle, I managed to finally put the vacuum-cleaner back in the cupboard and thought about what had just happened.








I had been Dyson with Death.



Fish

How many Yacht crew does it take to change a light bulb?

The stewerdess tells the engineer it needs doing.

The engineer digs out his multimeter to see why it has failed.

The Purser wants to know how much all this is going to cost.

The Captain wants to know where the hell everyone has gone and calls the Mate to the Bridge for a report.

In the end, it's the Steward.



He's the only one who knows where the bloody lightswitch is.

(True Story)

Going Fishin'...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?


He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'


She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.



It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter', she says. I'll take it!'


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.



She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.


At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.


The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'


He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

It's not a boat joke, but this thread has been quiet too long and it sort of tags onto Brians story.


A new Aldi supermarket opened in Toowoomba, Australia recently.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

A man comes back home a day early and finds his wife in bed with another man. He demands roaringly," What the hell you are doing ?" And his wife turns to her partner in bed and says,"Didn't I tell you he is stupid?"

The girlfriend and I were sitting on the sofa watching TV. From the corner of my eye I saw Steve Jobs from Apple sneak into the galley and rummage under the sink. Before I could stop him, he sped off with 3 cans of Pledge.

I'm sick to death of all these Jobs comeing over here and stealing our polish.

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.

"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."

"And what about hell?" the couple asked.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner boat to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.

This other blonde drives by and sees the first blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot...

So she stops her car gets out and yells:

"IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SWIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!"

Watching the World Cup with the girlfriend, I asked her whether the noise of those bloody vuvuzelas annoyed her?

She said "No, they're the same sound I hear every morning as I join the freeway".

A Florida yacht dealer wanted to go to the Antibes Boat Show, but the boss wouldn’t let him because the office had too many staff away on holiday. But the chap was desperate to go and thought; ‘maybe if I behave like I’m going mad, then the boss will tell me to take a few days sick leave.’

So he hung upside-down from a ceiling beam and made a low buzzing noise. His blonde secretary arrived and asked what he was doing. He told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think he was going mad and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What on earth are you doing?'

The chap told him that he was a light bulb.

The boss said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

He jumped down and walked out of the office – and his secretary grabbed her coat and bag and followed him. ‘Where do you think you're going’ asked the boss? To which the secretary replied; ‘I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!’

Fishing Solutions (for your girlfriend)

You say your girlfriend doesn't like fishing ??

...solutions...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BqcEXObOvU

Here's a link to a very funny channel that had me spitting my coffee over the keyboard this morning and am still laughing now.

Enjoy

http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/post/295568608/the-10-best-jokes-of-2009-these-are-our-ten

German coastguard

Topic related boat joke.

There is a young English captain getting in trouble in front of the German coast but he forget the international call "MAYDAY MAYDAY"

Instead he's shouting over the mike " We're sinking, we're sinking" but no reply of course..

After few minutes the young captain try again " We're sinking, we're sinking"
Again no reply of course....

Now the water gets in the boat all sides and the panic is coming so again but now screaming "WE'RE SINKING WE'RE SINKING!!!!!!"

Finally the German coast guard reply little irritated..:
Yesj, sjo what? what we have to do? Then tell usj...what you're sjinking about??



And you know now what is the REAL funny part of this story? It's not a joke but a true story....

Hi,

I think it has been posted here before but not 100% sure so here it is anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw


BTW: It isn't a true story, it was an advertisement for a language course.

Hi,

Dave - The Volvo Emergency Room must be quiet this morning.

Here is something that is not boat related but is a good giggle.

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2010-05-26/20qx9bo.jpg

Some of us may. at one time, employed one of these. Beware, it is hard hitting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVN_0qvuhhw&feature=channel

Learn from your elders

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to
each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot
of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references
he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows;
all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that suppose to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back".

His 'n Her Diaries

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got laid though.