Boat Jokes...

Fire instructions for when you have teenagers or ‘blondes’ on board.

Life in the Australian Army...

Although I guess this could apply to the Navy too...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Well, my geography knowledge is now increased. Used to be that story could have been written about any number of hollers in the Blue Ridge mountains but they had to get citified for breading purposes.

Who Is Your Role Model?

Try this - but don't cheat and look at the answers:

1) Pick your favourite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Teresa
4. Imelda Marcos
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Nelson Mandela
8. Neil Armstrong
9. Karl
10. Barack Obama

Yes - he really does have that effect on people....one day you too can be just like Him!

I didn't realize Karl/Carl has changed his name to one word, like Cher or Madonna. Maybe he'll change it to a symbol, like Prince. Anyone want to guess what that symbol would look like (I'm thinking one side will be pointy, other side flat, and will have rotor blades).

.....

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?












Ones an aussie marsupial.............












The other is a Scotsman stuck in an elevator.

?

Yes - it does lose something in the translation!

Imagine someone from Sclotland, especially Glasgow, saying 'Ah canna git oot'



P.S - Sorry to Carl. A misstroke of the keys.

I was just tellin Fish how hard it is for humor to survive the trip across the pond...in either direction. This NYer will just accept that they're roaring over there. Thanks to you and Fish both for trying to help the helpless.

Ed,

I'll tell this one slowly.

Murphy returns to Newport News for refit after a long deployment away in the Gulf.

First furlough, he heads for the roughest bar and meets a chick. They get talking and looking into each others eyes.

After a few drinks and dances, they are touching hands and feeding each other beernuts in that sexy way only sailors know.

As the Schlitz Beer sign flashes behind her head, she strokes Murph's cheek, leans towards him and whispers "Honey, I'll do anything for you, for just $150,as long as you can say it in 3 words".


Murph thinks for a while and says.........................

















Paint.....my.......boat





The old ones are the best

No sweat, my dear.

Now step aboard the pretty wooden classic yacht.

That'll teach her, who once had nails.

Q.

Which of the following is a strange noise made by Canadians?


A.

(caution... foul language.... but quite funny)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTu3n-DF-Zc

I've just heard on the radio a Semi has shed its load of pooltable kit all over the freeway.

There are cues for miles.

I'm going out with a Pornstar.













Do you think she'll be pissed when I tell her?

Fishing with Jack (Daniels)

I finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog as bait.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same **** snake with two frogs in his mouth .

Four Choices

Career Choices for a Preacher's Son


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting close to the time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.



Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.



If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!



If he picks up the silver dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.



But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on he table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He then uncorked the bottle and took a big swig, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress."

A buddy of mine has been posted to Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl.

"Whats she like?"

"Oh, utterly amazing. With one hand she can cook breakfast, the other makes the bed. One foot can be vacuuming while the other paints."

"What do you call her?"

"The Swiss Army Wife."