Boat Jokes...

The Perils of Golf

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She says angrily, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!

Ventrioquist

...boating content ...lots of boating in NZ



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from
the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)



Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****** liar!'

This one for Brian

Hellish day, very busy, at the Vatican. The great white limo is sitting outside the steps. The Pope comes out and says to Paulo "let me drive tonight"

Paulo says "no way, Boss. You are not covered by the insurence and you haven't driven in years.

But I've had a hell of a day and need to let off some steam.

Ok, Ok Boss but just take it easy.

On the highway the Pope gives it a big boot-full, 135mph.

Highway cop lights up his bike and pulls him over.

He leans through the blacked out windows and takes the papers back to the bike. 2 seconds later he's on the radio.

"Sarge, I think I,ve just pulled a very, very important person"

"I don't give a stuff, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, just give them the ticket"

"No Sarge, I think its God"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well He's got the Pope driving for Him"





Sorry
Dave

Diesel fitter

With aplologies to all ye of Irish stock, but...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

I hear they just finished a re-fit for Tiger Woods....

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin
November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known
for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a
purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash
stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships,
including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The
Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate
spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered
the final stage, Ali said.

"You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying
for things. Be happy we are in the mood to
offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate
Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from
future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and
S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the
PRBS's.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: "We need a bank so that we have a
place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in
the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup
at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow
the business even faster."

Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and
this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."

*CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

*WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

*SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,' WILL PAY OFF

*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE 'FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND' '

*Moody's upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW' PARTICPATION

*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK

*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

* FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS' NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRAT

catsick

Norwegian superyacht
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJLhxDBf-IE&feature=related

Crew???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StEgT1ygG7c&feature=related

Parrots, again

A lady of mature years inherited a parrot which had a foul mouth....every few minutes, the bird would cackle "I'm a swinger". One day, the parrot made this remark while the lady's parish priest was visiting.

"Don't worry", said the priest; "I have two parrots at the rectory, and we cured them."

"But what did you do?"

"I taught them to recite the rosary, Come over for a visit and you'll see."

The lady paid a visit to the rectory and saw the two parrots perched next to a table containing a roasry and a small bell. Oe would strike the bell, the second would say the required prayer, the first would move the bead, and the roles would be reversed for the next round, just like clockwork.

"Marvelous, chimed the parishioner; May I bring my parrot in?"

"Sure, we'll see you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the woman showed up at the rectory with her parrot, which immediately blurted out, "I'm a swinger" --- whereupon one of the priest's two parrots said to the other:


(pregnant pause)

"You can put the beads away, Joe; Our prayers have been answered!!"

A little boy runs into the kitchen.

'Mummy, Mummy why is my Yankee's shirt lying in the dirt?'

'Oh no' said Mom 'They've stolen the clothes pegs again'.

Fish

Fishing Tale

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block..'

BEAUTIFUL YACHT FOR SALE....VERY CHEAP. Will sell 100% ownership to first 10 responders. B. Madoff

Actual Conversation Aboard My Boat

Mr. Owner to passing fishermen: "Good Morning. Great day for fishing. Gettin' any?"

Fishermen: "Nope"

Mr. Owner: "Too Bad. How's the fishin'?"

ABSOLUTELY a true story

My neighbor and friend has a son that’s 15. He was over at our house the other day and we were telling stories about people we know that are incredibly bad at directions. He then told this story about his son.

We both live downtown, near the city center. One day, while waiting for the Traxx, (our Light Rail Transit system.) his son met a girl that invited him to a party at her house. Around 1 AM, his son called and said he couldn’t spend the night after all since her parents came home and everyone had to leave. They dropped him off at a Traxx station where he called his dad. His dad asked where he was and which station he was at. His son couldn’t figure it out so he told his son that he would just drive the entire line and pick him up wherever he found him. He explicitly told his son to stand out in the open so he could easily be found. My friend drove the entire line once and didn’t find his son. He flipped around and drove all the way back, and still—no son. By this time he was angry because he had clearly said to stand out in the open. On his third pass he STILL didn’t find his son, and as he was pulling away to go home and wait for his call—he say his son standing out in the very middle of a large empty parking lot.

Apparently he misunderstood what his father meant by “standing out in the open.”

Plastic Surgery

Hi,

I will take a chance that this one won't contravene the rules here:

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

Dr. Brasted looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

Google Ocean

.....first Google Earth, now Google Ocean

Boat Jokes

A sailor, after weeks at sea, pulled into a foreign port. He immediately went to the closest house of ill repute and put $500 on the table in front of the Madame. "I want the ugliest woman you have and two burned pork chops," he said. The Madame replied, "But sir, for this amount you can have my loveliest lady and a three course meal." The sailor replied, "Lady, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

...I'm sure we've seen more than a few owners like this

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys sever al new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.












Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

Battle of Trafalgar

What actually happened at Nelson's last battle...

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Horrors man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled/? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
Butch Men and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about Butch Men?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."