Boat Jokes...

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a boat one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name their bird Moses?"


"Those same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."

Sailor's Heaven & Hell

....from Sailing Magazine:

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.

"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says, "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell."

First let me describe them for you. On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."

"And what about hell?" the couple asked.

How a yacht is like a garage.

How a yacht is like a garage.
Almost always owned by men.
They're both full of a lot of crap you hardly ever use.
Like a garage you can hide from wimmin on a yacht.
You know you have a tool because you bought it, it's in here somewhere
You can tinker around the yacht/garage and not make any real difference.
They both have to treated with expensive paint once a year.
You get to wear overalls so you look like you know what your doing with a paint brush in your hand once a year.
You can moan and complain about both a garage and a yacht with other garage owners and yacht types.
You can bang into something pointy or angular inside both.
Both leak.

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

A party of young pleasure-seekers moor offshore of a beautiful deserted island. A young lady walks inland to explore. As she gets deeper into the wooded area she feels something watching her, and after a while she catches a glimpse of a young man in tattered clothing with long unkempt hair. After a moment of fear, she realises he is just as scared of her, and attempts to communicate with him. Its soon aparent he is a castaway, the sole survivor of a wreck many years before. He was but a child when marooned, yet somehow survived whilst all the others had perished. She explained to him he was now safe, and she could take him home. With tears in his eyes, he took her hand and they began to walk back toward the beach.
As they walked, she noticed his curious eyes upon her body, and with a smile of knowing she asked him if he had ever had the pleasure of a woman. He shook his head endearingly and explained that his only sexual experience was using a hole in a tree trunk. She felt so sorry for this poor, and come to think of it, extremely handsome young man that she lay down on the ground, took off her shorts and beckoned him toward her. He stared down at her in slight bewilderment, so realising he had no idea what to do she told him to imagine she was a tree trunk with a hole in it. His eyes lit up with immediate understanding, and giggling with youthful glee he picked up a large branch and wacked her right between the legs with it.
"Why the hell did you do that ?!" she cried.
"First I check for bees" he replied.

Here's a real boat joke...


http://www.rinspeed.com/images/photos/splash/pho_spl1.jpg

To the ladies... these are our rules!

(Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!)

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's
like camping!

Blackbeard sailed to Jamaica for some arrr and arrr.
He turned back a week later as it was farrr too farrr
(sorry)

Careful what you wish for

Two guys out fishing on the ocean, one lands a fish.

Suddenly the fish speaks, "If you release me, you can have any wish you want."

The guy throws the fish back into the water and wishes the whole sea would change into the finest beer there is. By golly, this happens, the sea turns into beer.

Astonished, his mate replies, "you stupid ***, now we have to pee in the boat" !

Another Noah & the Arc Moment

Noah closed and seals the door to the Arc, then he turns around to address the animals aboard the ship.... "I don't know what you've been told" he said, "This isn't going to be a pleasure cruise. 40 days and 40 nights with minimum food, water and space. You replenish the earth,... AFTER you get off the boat. NO SEX ON THIS VESSEL! To make sure this happens, we're going to confiscate all males' privates, and you will be given a receipt. Turn it in as you leave and you'll get your organ back."

Two weeks out the Rabbit wakes up and nudges his wife.... "Did we hit land yet?" "No" she replied, "Go back to sleep."

A couple of weeks later he woke up again.... "Did we hit land yet?" "No, no" she replied again, "Why are you so excited?"


The rabbit drew near and wispered softly.... "I've got the horse's receipt."."

The Front Fell Off (that's the bow in boatspeak)

Political and boating humor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg

I hear the 2009 Bayliners will have glass bottoms. That way you'll be able to view all the previous years.

Doc, Can You Float Me a Loan?

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Bad joke time

What's the diffrence between a Bentley and a stewardess?




Not all captains have had a Bentley.

Dam Dams

...courtesy of another forum


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.!

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

_________________________________________________________
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.
(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Nookie Green

...sorry no boating content

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church...
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood" the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary.


The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."...

For Divers

Never, EVER, fart in a dry suit!

the magician and the parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Governmentium, a new heavy element

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert, however it can be detected because it impedes every reaction (that would take less than a second) to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutron and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's masswill actually increase over time since each reorganisation will cause more neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to asa critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.