Boat Jokes...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men
and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair. "

A pessenger ferry drove into a violent thunderstorm and was being thrown around by wind and waves. One very nervous lady was sitting next to a Clergyman and she somewhat angrily asked; “Can’t you do something?” “I’m sorry ma’am, “the reverend said gently. “I’m in sales not management.”

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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A few jokes, riddles, and groaners:

Where did the ship go when it was sick?
To the dock.

When is a wall like a fish?
When it's scaled.

What kind of fish tastes good with peanut butter?
A jellyfish.

What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.

Where on earth do both ends of a compass needle point north?
At the South Pole. North is the only direction at the South Pole.

What kind of lighting did Noah use for his ark?
Floodlights.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Found that one today.

No. Just no!

I would like to share an experience, to do with drinking and driving.

As you know, it’s not uncommon to have brushes with 'old bill' on your way home at night. Well I did something about it.

The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks. Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I had probably had too much, I did something I’ve never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."