Boat Jokes...

Boat manufacturer professionals

In case you ever wondered why these folks are "that" way:

The in-house engineer is someone who starts out knowing a great deal about very few things and quickly learns more and more about less and less, until he knows practically everything about nothing.

The purchasing agent down the hall, on the other hand, begins by knowing very little about a great many things and soon learns less and less about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about anything.

Due to his association with with these engineers and purchasing agents, the Yacht Salesman starts out knowing nothing about anything and eventually learns everything there is to know about everything.

Boating, Fishing, Siesta​

The following story was found posted at the Club Cruceros in La Paz, Mexico:

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spendmore time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen to 20 years."

"But what then, señor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your companies stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, señor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."


I'm off to Thailand for a 3-4 week siesta

Common Sailing Terms

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

To Sea in a Hi-Tech SailBoat

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.

I must go down to the sea again, to the autopilot’s ways,
And all I ask is a GPS, and a radar, and displays,
And a cell phone, and a weatherfax, and a shortwave radio,
And compact disks, computer games and TV videos.

I must go down to the sea again, with a freezer full of steaks,
And all I ask is a microwave, and a blender for milkshakes,
And a watermaker, air-conditioner, hot water in the sink,
And e-mail and a VHF to see what my buddies think.

I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

I must go down to the sea again, and not leave friends behind,
And so they never get seasick we’ll use the web online,
And all I ask is an Internet with satellites over me,
And beaming all the data up, my friends sail virtually.

I must go down to the sea again, record the humpback whales,
Compute until I decipher their language and their tales,
And learn to sing in harmony, converse beneath the waves,
And befriend the gentle giants as my synthesizer plays.

I must go down to the sea again, with RAM in gigabytes,
and teraflops of processing for hobbies that I like,
And software suiting all my wants, seated at my console
And pushing on the buttons which give me complete control.

I must go down to the sea again, my concept seems quite sound,
But when I simulate this boat, some problems I have found.
The cost is astronomical, repairs will never stop,
Instead of going sailing, I’ll be shackled to the dock.

I must go down to the sea again, how can I get away?
Must I be locked in low-tech boats until my dying day?
Is there no cure for my complaint, no technologic fix?
Oh, I fear this electric fever is a habit I can’t kick.

a parody on the poem, the Call of the Running Tide

Marriage like Fishing

A marriage license should be like a fishing license….it expires every year, and if you go out of state you can get a 3 day license.

If you think about it girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch, and if you clean and prep them right most are good to eat. Also if you decide to mount one you know it is going to cost you a pretty penny!

If you bring one home (no matter how you treat them) they start going bad. Fresh ones are always a better practice.

CATCH and RELEASE

IT Manager Stranded on an Island

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Seven year old boy to his Mum...wife of a yacht captain..."Mum, when I grow up, I want to be a yacht captain like Dad!" Mum's reply...."Sorry, Son, but you can not do both!"

Unexpected revelation on seeing Limitless

Comment overheard in a group of people seeing Limitless coming in to port.
"Goes to prove that Love is not blind. If love was actually blind, Wexner would never have made enough out of Victoria's Secret to have Limitless built"

Just for a laugh

Got this from a friend on a boat, the owner gave it to all his friends that came onboard

Boat Rules For Guest

If you will kindly observe the following rules, it will be a hell of a lot easier and more comfortable for the crew …. After all, whose boat is this.
1. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
2. Don’t get snooty with the crew. Remember your skipper is still learning. He’s probably more scared than you.
3. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
4. If a fellow passenger gets anxious, knock him on the head with an EMPTY whiskey bottle.
5. Eyes forward at all times.
6. No loose hooks or fish in the cockpit.
7. Don’t ask embarrassing Questions of the crew such as
• Where are we ??
• What time will we dock?
• Does the radio work?
• Where is the head?
• How’s the weather? Is the front up ahead? (Hell, they don’t know)
8. If you don’t like the food , to hell with you - the boss likes it.
9. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
10. Only six people allowed in the head at a time. Please observe.
11. Don’t put anything into the head you haven’t already swallowed.
12. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
13. Be thankful if you arrive anywhere.
14. Shut Up. Keep your goddam feet off the varnish.
15. Don’t bother the Skipper. He is along for the ride, too
16. Always let the crew off first – after all she might be sinking
17. Don’t offer to help the Skipper or crew. Let them screw things up their own way.
18. if your feet get wet, don’t show any fear – you might frighten the crew.
19. If you drop peanuts or potato chips on the decks, please clean them up by mouth. Same for coffee and sun-tan lotion.
20. By all means DO NOT get seasick, at least not until you are ashore.
21. While onboard, the Captain has the authority to perform marriages.
22. The Captain’s not always right, but he’s still the Captain
23. KEEP THOSE FEET OFF THE GODDAM VARNISH!!!!!!

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

For the Sportsfisherman Here

Some fishing terms
Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Fishing License Story

A Wisconsin man was stopped by a Game Warden in northern Wisconsin recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for it's fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile.
Then I whistle and they jump back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS. Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this."

The man poured the fish back into the river and waited. After several minutes the warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Wisconsin may not be as smart as some, but we're not at dumb as most."

What's the difference between a Yachtie and a Boatie?

Yachties shower daily.

One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear, " I have something you want!"

John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"

Starts as a boat joke

One of the Yachts I worked on once long ago sank in the South Pacific. The Captain, American Feddy App'n, the first mate Pieter whos Dutch and the chinese cook.Mi Lie, managed to swim ashore. They were on a delivery so no one was killed.. Standing on this little island Freddy immediately takes charge. He says.
"Pieter you go find wood cos we need to build a fire, Mi Lie, you take care of the suplies and I'll take care of the rest.. We meet back here in 3 hours. OK?"

They all disappeared to carry out there assignments

3hrs later Freddy and Pieter are looking for the chinese cook.

"Where the hell is he says Freddy,,,".... All of a sudden theres a loud shriek,, then Out of the tree above them jumps Mi Lie Shrieking at the top of his voice

""SUPPLIZE ! ! !""

Well not exactly about boats but thats exactly how I tell it in Public... Verbal version is better BTW

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Nice one Carl

Many years ago We designed and built a yacht for one of the richest men in the world... He had so much money he bought two slightly smaller one for his two older Sons..Next year it was the older two twins bithdays.. He said to the first

"What would you like for your Birthday Son"
"Ide love a train" He replied... so father bought him NS railways Holland
To the 2nd Son "what would you like son? "
"Ide luv a plane dad" So he bought him KLM airlines... A couple of months later it was the very much younger sons birthday He bent down slowly and softly said.."And what would you like son...'"
The little boy looked up at his dad after playing Indians outside and answered shyly
"Daddy,,, Ide Luv a cowboy outfit,,,, So what did Daddy do???? He Bought him Feadship

Talking Dog​

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?..the United States Marines ... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was a yacht captain!"

Popie the sailorman

...came up on another forum, and great laugh


What part of Popeye doesn't rust?

A: The bit he sticks in Olive Oil.

Men Are Happier People

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People! — What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Farting is a game not a social taboo. Sex is sport and fun not a life altering engagement. Even your "stylish" shoes have flat heels. Skillets can be used to clean carburator parts.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100. Grease under your fingernails is free and you don't have to wait while it dries.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.&n bsp; You never get mascara in your eye. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decad es! Olde Spice costs $5.00 instead of $195. You never have sagging panty hose. Good beer is cheaper hand easier to find than a nice Merloet.

You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can knock-out Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

(however, we do have a little problem with boats every once in awhile)