Boat Jokes...

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Awe, Jock that's nice of ye - are you taking me tae the pub with ye?

"Nay," Jock replied ... "I'm turning the heat off while I'm oot."

Definition:
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knotfurlong

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Liquor manufacturers may have to accept the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol beverage containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

I'll just leave this here for you 911 fans to think about.

^^^

Classic, absolutely classic! Fully explains the idiosyncrasies of the 911.

As most boats, pushers rather than pullers.

I would try to order "Bier und Bratwurst mit Pommes", real insider would order a Currywurst/Pommes rot/weiss (Pommes is the abriviation for Pommes Frites or as you would say French Fried Potatoes), whereas rot/weiss means with Ketchup and Mayonnaise . We are talking real junk food, Norseman.

Btw. A international organisation is looking for a new Chairman. 3 gentleman from 3 different countries are reaching the final round for election. One Dutch, one Swiss and one Austrian gentleman. The board of the organisation is insisting on a very thorough medical examination of their health, condition and mental abilities.

During this examination, the leading surgeon is conducting a visual inspection of their brains by drilling a very small hole into their heads. When looking into the head of the Dutchman, he finds a normal brain, well looking and working properly, as shown by other tests.

When looking into the head of the Swiss Gentleman, he finds a very well build, high quality mechanical brain with wheels, shafts and springs. Just like a very fine swiss clockwork. It is also working perfectly, just a bit slower, as shown by other tests.

When looking into the head of the gentleman from Austria, he finds nothing, only empty space and one small wire, spanning from left to right within the head. This cannot be the total brain, he believes. In order to find the purpose of this thin wire, he cannot withstand the temptation to take a little tool and cut that wire. Guess what happens:

Both ears fell off!!

The most famous yacht/boat ever!

Looks like someone got caught playing chicken...

Quick, go tell your kids you see their future in the Navy...

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. You appear to you have a condition but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was wind - but I was wrong, too!"