Boat Jokes...

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a

university campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday,

minding my own business,

when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,

threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes

and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,

"Good choice:

The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big

as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks,"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,"How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. "Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


And Finally

Two repairmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One repairman shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both men have since been removed from their repair jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

I don't get the joke. Looks rite to me..
,rc





A Caring Husband

It's the thought that counts.


He: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

Gov't wise guys ...


The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to investigate him.

Gov’t agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years and I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatts Blue every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Gov’t agent: "That's the one I want to talk to – the mentally challenged guy."

Boat owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.
It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately
and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it.
However, women who wouldn't mind becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a
desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth
Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

SO-Come to the Cabernet my friends, come to the Cabernet!

The doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he
had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting
frustrated.
The doctor checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was
going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told
her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk
to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the
husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either"

NEXT TIME YOUR LIFE GOES TO S*#T JUST THINK OF THIS PHOTO.