Boat Jokes...

Walking along by the marina I saw a blonde girl fishing while listening to her iPod.

"Caught any, love?" I asked in passing.

"No but you're close" she replied "it's Nivana."

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.' So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?' So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?' The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twot?' Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould wephwaze that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

Granpa

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY



A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Nascar and Obamas advice

Jeff Gordon takes Obamas advice
AP Wire -- Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower

A young Engineer was up on the Bridge and just passing the Captain's cabin. The Old Man was standing in front of the shredder, scratching his head.

The skipper turns to the young man and asks
"Do you know how to work this thing? My wife isn't here and she normally does this. It's very important for the Owner."

The engineer leans over and turns the shredding machine on and feeds the papers into the slot. The skipper is very pleased and turns to the young guy.

"Thanks very much, I only need one copy made".

Joke

Funeral Expense
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here for $100".
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $100?".
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can't take that risk".

Theo, the Greek skipper, sails to Miami for the first time, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Theo. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Theo and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.














Theo leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably






The Family Dog!

Costa Concordia

(probably not in the best taste - but this made me smile)

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What do the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia have in common? The bottom has dropped out of both.

9-1-1 Call

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

I was in a pub on Saturday night.

Had a few....& eventually noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them snapped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

....Then the lights went out...

The Pirate's Story

The captain of the pirate ship returns to Port Royal with a haul of gems and gold. In the tavern, after much Ale and Rum, he takes a toothless crone upstairs.

As they undress she asks why the peg-leg.

"Ah, that be a cannonball that took the deck away".

After a while she asks why the hook of a hand.

"Ahh, that be the razor sharp sword of a Spaniard".

Next she notices the black eyepatch, how did he lose that?

"Ahhh, that be the Seagull".

"What do thee mean a seagull, was it at yee?" asks the crone.

"Nae nae, my luvver, it were screeching above my head so I looks up and then whack, the eye were gone".

"The bird took it?"




"No, my luvver, it were my first day with the hook".

$ 600 M lottery winner

A couple lived on a 50 foot sailboat.
She comes aboard one day to find him quickly packing stuff in a suitcase.
She says " hey, whats going on ?"
He says, " I just found out that I bought the $ 600M lottery ticket yesterday !!! "

She says, " Thats terrific, where 'er we going ?"

" WE aren't going ANYWHERE.,.."

whats the difference between tiger woods and santa clause?
santa stops at 3 ho's

I think we can all relate to this one!

RACQ Insurance commercial - YouTube

Far

Yet another reason not to get married.

At the wedding reception in the Yacht Club, towards the end of the evening, the Best Man asked the guests to think of the one person who understands you the most and makes your life worth living.

"Go on" he said "give them a big hug".

The poor Barman is in hospital with multiple cracked ribs.

Every situation!

Far