Boat Jokes...

Skipper - Someone who missed a few too many boat payments.

Golf joke

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. ......Will Rogers


Don't know that the great wit of Will Rogers ever did any boat jokes, but I thought this was quite funny.

A video about Metacognition....................or in other words, not making an ass of yourself online.

http://www.wimp.com/superiorityillusion/

Confucius

Confucius he did NOT say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who run up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man who run in front of car get tired, man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS HE SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Oldie but goodie

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive . I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... **** guy had no sense of humor.

A goodie

The Redneck & The Game Warden(True Story)

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

All may not be as appears.

Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't.

The Mounds above the waist may be a mental distraction from the Almond Joys below the waist.

View with caution; if above is unclear:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py2PoG02Glw&feature=related

Actually I think it's a Dem truck since they think everyone should have a/c, heat and anything else whether they can afford it or not. The smoke gets blown by them all regardless of which side of the isle they're on.

Boat Gambling

Two bored BOAT casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; andyelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What
did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

i-Tit

ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A fishing boat runs into a terrible storm.
Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The fisherman are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

One of the crew stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her:
"here, Iron this!"

Off topic but...

How it all began.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham didst look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hast the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS). Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no-one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum dealer in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would only work with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO”, said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea they named it YAHOO.com

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It quickly became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that’s how it all began!

sorry, not a boat joke, but couldn't resist ...........



======================================

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

I've ordered some new padded seats for the boat. The guy came around to fit them today. To my suprise he was dressed in a long black cloak with hood, boney hands and carrying a sythe.

I fear there may be reaper-cushions.

Ok... so it's not a boat joke, but the "gold plated" yacht thread reminded me of this so I had to post it:

Racism

With apologies to my Irish relatives and friends!

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in a Yacht Chandlers."

Never, EVER, fart in a dry suit !!!

This is not a boat joke but a true story. It made me laugh though.

On the Jon Stewart Daily Show.

A couple from Florida got a letter from Bank of America telling them that they were going to fore-close on their house. The couple were a little taken aback by this as they had purchased the house with cash and had no morgage.

They went to some of the 'best' lawyers in the State but none would touch going up against BoA. They ended up with a young guy who had just passed his Bar exams 8 months earlier. In court the judge dismissed BoA's claim and awarded the couple $3000 costs. The bank couldn't be bothered to pay up.

The couple went to the judge and then the sheriff, got 2 Repo guys and a truck and went to the bank. After handing the bank manager a writ, they started to load the truck with anything that was not bolted down in the bank and load it into the Repo truck.

Strangly enough, the bank paid up real quick after that.

Sorry Max - this ones already here. Post 59 on page 4.

Worth seing again though !