Boat Jokes...

Off topic, but fun...!

I heard this little story first today and found it pretty good...

"Painting job"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Wrong name could make some trouble....

Similar but true

I saw a motor yacht in Newport a couple of years ago and when I asked how it got its name, was told that the owner asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. It was called 'Pearl Necklace'
Unfortunately he probably did not understand that saying has another meaning in the rest of the world outside the US !!!

Yes, as you told us we build it with a V-hull.....

OK, since it is Friday night I´ll add another child-safe Blond Story;

Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You´re not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I´m actually a blonde."

"I thought so" the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken".

This isn't reltated to boating, but It's a great story.....

Subject: FW: Chemistry exam



Subject: logic


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...
leaving
only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Engineers, Take Three:

The optimist: The glass is half full.
The pesimist: The glass is half empty.
The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Subject: Engineers!!



Understanding Engineers - One

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.



------------------------------------------



Understanding Engineers - Two


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work ?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work ?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost ?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that ?"


------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Three



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Four
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Five
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

How to Sell (fishing gear)

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

Scotsman attends his first baseball game.

A Scotsman comes to Canada aboard a ship and then attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy *******, rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie!"


This will probably get pulled but I heard it this afternoon and I've been laughing ever since.